Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Jiggaknapa Pheromones - Dead Muse Challenge

Challenge #1:  Wicked
Challenge Item:  "Hold onto something.  This is gonna be wicked."
Challenge Start Date:  June 13, 2012
Challenge End Date:  June 20, 2012

I had walked into that interview with a brilliant smile on my face and a flutter in my stomach.  The problem was, the fluttering got bigger and bigger when I saw those things staring at me.  I should be a little more politically correct, shouldn’t I?  They weren’t things but beings.  The receptionist was of the planet Xinithyr and happened to be one of the only races that I have found in my work that produced offspring asexually.  And on top of that, it was a bile yellow Xinithyrian.  Disgusting!  And that wasn’t to mention the beings that I was competing against for the job at the Intergalactic Detective Agency who were sitting in the waiting room with me.

I would tell you about how I heard of the job but that would be another story that you may not have time for.  What you need to know is that out of the other six hundred sixty five applicants, I was the six hundred and sixty sixth and my boss is a demon from the Shade Galaxy from the planet of Hyll.  These specific demons call themselves Daemons and they are very superstitious.  Anything in sets of three is good and the number six is the best.  Three sixes was an omen that I was to be the best agent she would ever have.  But that’s the nutshell version.  Someday I will tell you about the ‘trials’ I had to go through.

Anyway, I got the job and even with my history as a security officer, I was not prepared for anything that came about on this specific job.  First, I was paired up with Ray.  Ray was a stinking little twit that liked to sit on my shoulder and spout curses at me in different languages from the different galaxies and laugh when I tried to figure out what he was saying or even what language he was speaking it in.  In fact, Ray just had a terribly foul mouth in any language he spoke in

Ray didn’t start with pleasantries when I first saw him.  He just walked through the door and jumped up on Luci’s desk (Luci is my boss) and began screaming at the top of his lungs, pointing at me and hopping from foot to foot like he was on fire.

“Erathi te’kair wikneran zeet xanerrathi!  Bublarchi tocryphi xazerathi!  Zeet.  Zeet!  ZEET!”

I later found out that Ray was telling Luci, in her native tongue, that he was not going to work with a yellow haired female from the Terra Galaxy let alone from the planet Earth.  But that was the old Ray.  He calmed down after I saved his hide a few times.  But he never fails to remind me that the only reason he’s my partner is because he speaks all of the languages and all of the dialects for every known language.

But what I really wanted to tell you about was Ray and I’s most recent assignment.  We were sent off to a warehouse that had been rumored to be smuggling in Surrliquacks from the T’tubtac Galaxy.  Apparently, the occupants of the warehouse were smooth criminals as well.  They purported themselves to be fishmongers but were well over ten miles from the docks.  Sure, this very well could have been possible but it wasn’t very probable to have a fishmonger that far away from the water.

Ray and I pulled up into the parking lot of the warehouse and opened the doors to the sedan.  Ray was mumbling something foul in some random language.  As soon as I opened the door, a horrendous fishy smell assaulted our nostrils and had us almost stumbling back into the car.  We were not prepared for the fact that they may have actually been fishmongers working in the building. 

“Oh wunderbar, Fischemänner ficken,” Ray exclaimed heartily from my shoulder.

My eyes just rolled in my head.  I spoke German and I didn’t need to know that he thought there were Fishmen in the warehouse.  They were nasty things, slimy things and I had an unusual fear of fish.  (Let’s just say that going to sushi with me was like doing battle with a whale.  Wasn’t happening!)

“You think so,” I asked him.  “They haven’t been seen in the Terra Galaxy for ages.  Earth doesn’t seem to please them as much as other planets.  Why would they come here?”

Ray looked at me like I was an idiot as we walked toward the stinking warehouse.  “Moron! Sono qui perché non ci aspettiamo da loro qui.”

With a deadpan glare, Ray came out of his ‘italian’ and told me in no uncertain terms that they were here because we least expected it.  And I hated the fact that he always spoke in different languages.  I swear, he did it because it annoyed me.

Before we could make it up to the doors, the doors burst open and out poured a bevy of fishmen from the Murrc Galaxy.  They could have been from the planet Kuduc or possibly Murrduckilot.  Either way, these bastards were running full bore toward us.  Ray and I both drew arms but realized quickly that the guns we had were going to be no match for the giant beast that stood before us.

Apparently the Surrliquacks weren’t from the T’tubtac Galaxy but from Echonoxia.  This meant that if any of the Surrliquacks went into heat, the others would glomp onto to the fertile Surrliquack and would make a giant monster Surrliquack that was hungry for fish flesh.  Ray and I turned and ran with the Fishmen, daring not look behind us as we could feel the Surrliquack Monster stomping in a run at our heels.

Ray pulled something out of his little vest pocket and waved it behind us as he grabbed my hand.  “Hold onto something.  This is gonna be wicked,” he shouted as the Surrliquack lifted us into the air by Ray’s hand.

“The only thing Surrliquacks like more than fishmen is the smell of Jiggaknapa Pheromones!”

I was pretty sure that we were sunk and that I would never know why Ray had a rag filled with his own pheromones…

Yes, this was going to be wicked indeed.

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